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Caught my boyfriend searching match.com...?

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My first question is: Caught my boyfriend searching match.com...?.

My next question is: Hello,.

~I hate to be in a situation like this, but I enjoy the helpful advice that everyone provides.~.

I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my bf (22 years of age and I'm 23) for over a year now and this is my situation. I have always been ahead of the game when it come to financial obligation, career, family & future on the other hand, my bf is still into the clothes, apperance, sport games his (i should say loser friends) Fine. My issue with this picture is that I have made time, effort, attempts, cried etc... for him to advance in life, like help him with a career change, stay on top of him and make sure that he has asked for insurance coverage from his employer ...etc. In a way I feel that I'm stating to become his mom in which I prefer not to hand hold his hand, but it's to late, I do love him and I want him to better himself and see a possible future but when I mention to him if his done something that is benifical to him he gets upset, starts fighting verbally.... some aquintances my bf's friends gf's tell me, y are you with him your better off with out him.

(So I'm starting to wonder why others see what I dont see, and how I can see and maybe realize that this is realtionship is not for me.).

In my past, I have played the games, said the lies, but know I'm starting to either feel KARMA or I'm just geting lies behind my back reason being that my bf tells me, you seems to have a huge defense on me, which I do, I ask him where he is, whats he doing at time, beacuse I have caught him in lies and when hes caught, he agrues and runs, and them I'm upset and stressout. Last friday we both went to the movies and out of the blue, he said we need to really begin to have trust in one another or if not we both should not be in a relationship (thru Match.com) if we cant trust. I found to this to be random. I guess by me taking him to a girls only movie he decided to confess this to me.  Anyways... ever since the movie date, I have felt that he is more distance away. When I ask him something, it's like a rude tone in his voice as if I was bothing him with a questions.

I have a gut feeling that something else is going on out there but I can accuse him yet.  .

I really would like any advice, and how to/begin to walk away with not much emotion pain...

Comments (5)

Your question was: Caught my boyfriend searching match.com...?.

>>I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) my bf (22 years of age and I'm 23) for over a year now and this is my situation. I have always been ahead of the game when it come to financial obligation, career, family & future on the other hand, my bf is still into the clothes, apperance, sport games his (i should say loser friends)<<.

Well, to be honest, if you're dating (online dating with Match.com) a 22 year old he will act like a 22 year old. A 22 y o is still in many ways a child and he is just acting his age. I know that there are SOME mature 22 year olds out there but, for the most part, they still have a lot of maturing to do. It sounds like you are way more mature than he is, and that might be why it's so frustrating..

>>i ask him where he is, whats he doing at time, beacuse I have caught him in lies and when hes caught, he agrues and runs, and them I'm upset and stressout.<<.

What kinds of lies have you caught him in? Are they little white lies, or major ones? It sounds to me like you feel you have reason not to trust him. All I can say is decide what you think is best for you; do you think it can work as it is, or is he willing to change? Do you think you would be better off without him, even if you are sad for a while?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #1

Sorry, but you can't walk away from a relationship (thru Match.com) of over a year with someone you love without there being much pain. If you are going to end it, it WILL hurt. You just have to accept that. You can do some things to make it easier. Cut off all contact with him at once so the pain doesn't last. Allow yourself permission to grieve for a few days and then when the pain returns.

Get plenty of sleep. Eat healthy. Keep reminding yourself that you will find someone better. All of these are very good coping mechanisms that you should keep in mind and use. But they are just there to make it easier to get over the pain sooner.

However, I get the impression that is not what you want either. You don't feel he is responsible as far as moving his life forward. You don't feel he is honest with you. Those are probably not traits you want in the man you will be sharing the rest of your life with, and you shouldn't have to settle for a man who has those traits. There are many honest, mature, responsible men out there and at your age you still have plenty of time to find one.

If you try to, he will only end up resenting you for it...

Comment #2

Everyone else sees what you don't because they are standing on the outside and can see things without the emotion.  As women we react to things on a very emotional level.  I can tell you from experience that your bf is yanking your chain and he wants out of the relationship.  If he's been quiet and standoffish since the movie it's because he's trying to figure out a game plan and move-out and move-on.  You are obviously more mature than he is right now and you need your girlfriends and their support.  They will help you get on.  He's young too... He's looking out at the world saying "Well, if I was single I could ....." Like most guys they don't see what they have until they don't have it any more.  You are not his mom and you can offer him advice on handling things... the big mistake most of us make is helping them out with the insurance, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the money, and so on... If you don't want to be his mommy... you'd better start laying it on the line now... or you will definitely regret it later.  And the lying...

Well... he's definitely setting you up for a hard slap of reality.  Once you start lying you gotta keep lying and each lie gets easier as you go.... Liars are like cheaters, they don't change easily... You deserve better than that.  Why would you want to be with someone like that? Do you think that he is the best you can do?.

Let me tell you a story... it's true... This girls name is Amanda... Amanda's boyfriend always calls her just before getting off work and finds out what she's doing, tells her that he's running behind and him and his crew won't be off until 9 or 10pm (mind you he works for an extermination company) because they still have to shoot the chemicals and finish the tarping and off course he's the only one who ever does anything the other 2 guys are just standing around shooting the crap and having a beer (while they are work).  He gets paid on thursday nights and he ALWAYS works late on Friday nights and he works 6 out of 7 Saturdays in a row.  Amanda is not a dumb girl and has a good job.  If she tells her bf that she's going out with her girlfriends or over to her sisters house her bf miraculously gets off work earlier than original scheduled time... but if she goes home and cooks dinner he often doesn't come home till 10, 11 or even 12:00.  Now the guys that he works with cheat on their wives and girlfriends regularly... They've gone to the beach picked on girls (during their lunch) and gotten a little action right there on the beach...

Wives and gf's have even caught them...  One night one of Amanda's GF's calls her up and says "Hey, guess who's over at Chili's drinkin' with the boys?" So the girls went over and lo and behold when they walked in... One of the guys was kissing another girl and Amanda's bf had a girl sitting on his lap.  You should've seen him try lying his way out of that.  That was six months ago and Amanda is still with him and his behaviour is getting worse and the sad thing... she's smart, funny, GORGEOUS and sweet with bitch that has to come to the surface every once in a while..

No one can tell you what to do... it's up to you to open your eyes and determine... Do you really love him and think that you can go the distance or do you need to cut the ties and move on? It's up to you..

Comment #3

Thank you  and all over for your helpful advise...

Comment #4

I hope it helped... It's probably not what you wanted to hear... but I don't want you to look back and ask yourself... everyone else saw this why didn't I open my eyes earlier?  Good luck sweetie.....

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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