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My first question is: How long does it take match.com to approve photos?.

My next question is:  .

Hi -.

I'll try to make this short, but give you a good idea of the situation..

I am 29 and rarely fall hard (in love/lust/etc).  It has only happened twice for me.  The dude I am talking about here is the second guy.  He is 38 and separated. .

Initially his friend put his number in my phone b/c he was trying to help him and thought we were getting along well.  From this point it took some pursuing on my part, but we met up.  After a couple of meetings with him, I knew I really dug him as I loved talking to him and was very attracted to him.  Anyway we casually dated for a couple of months.  I told him that I could not handle this type of arrangement and he said he did not want a girlfriend.  The relationship (thru Match.com) has not been consummated..

I pursued him for a couple of months following our conversation, but decided to let him go after x-mas, as it was too painful for me.  He has been off the radar for a while, although he contacted me once, but I'm not sure where his head was when he did that..

I like his circle of friends and my best friend moved to a different city.  I do not have many friends I really like to hang out with so this circle is appealing to me.  One of his friends, who I also really like talking with, but I am in no way attracted to physically said he would be my surrogate best friend.  We hung out at our local bar a while back, but did not speak following.  I saw him last night and we made tentative plans to hang out.  My friend told me not to do that if I ever wanted a chance with the dude I totally dig. .

I don't know what to do?  Please help me with your advice.  I want to go hang out, but I really want the guy I care deeply about.  I know I can not make someone want/care about me and I wouldn't want to, but will hanging out with his friend help or hurt my cause?  I know sometimes you have to play a bit to get the pot stirred up....

Thanks,.

 .

Keek..

Comments (9)

Your question was: How long does it take match.com to approve photos?.

My rule of thumb is that if I have to make someone jealous to be interested in me...then he isnt for me.  You really dont want a guy who is interested in his ego over you.  If you hang with the friend, then do it because you like him and maybe you might become interested in him if you get the other guy out of your head.  You never know, this friend could become your next BF...

Comment #1

Hi Keek,.

It might complicate things to hang out with this guys friend, but you don't have an agreement with him.  You don't want to look like you are waiting around for him.  He has tons going on in his life and he might not be emotionally available for anyone right now.  Why is he separated?  And is he sure they are going to divorce?  you don't want to get into a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone how isn't done with his last one. .

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation either, but he might back off if he sees you hanging out with his friend..

Good  Luck,.

 .

 .

           ..

Comment #2

Hi there,.

I had a similar situation and have to agree with the other posters.  If he's going through a separation/divorce, he has a lot of issues to work on.  And as tough as it must have been for you, you were right to back off.  One day if he's ready and you're available, then you could make a go of it, but men need their space.  (See "Mars & Venus" chapter on how if a man goes into his cave and you follow him, you will only get burned.) (Also see "He's just not that into you" ... if the guy has too much going on to realize how fabulous you are, then move on.  His issue, not yours!).

I agree with Kristie about becoming closer with his friend.  Spend time with him if you truly enjoy his company, not because you want to get closer to Mr. Unavailable.  Mr. Unavailable may think it's weird or stalkerish ... but then again, he's unavailable, so don't plan your actions to try and remain in his sphere.  Do what's right for you and if he comes around, wonderful.  In the meantime, get out there and meet someone else who is worthy and ready for you!!.

Good luck hang in there!.

Elizabeth..

Comment #3

Hi funalicious gal,.

Welcome to the board!!!  Great member name!! .

Hope to see you here often.

 .

 .

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Comment #4

Hi Elizabeth -.

Thanks for your advice, it really spoke to me and definitley helps! .

You said you were in a similar situation so you have an even better understanding and some added experience.  I know I have to leave the seperated guy alone b/c I have no choice.  I am really confused with what to do with the friend.  I sincerely like hanging out with the friend, but I am honest/adult enough to realize my crush must have a little something to do with it..

If it were you, what would you do?.

Thanks,.

Keek..

Comment #5

Hi Keek,.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd take some great photos, write a fabulous profile and put them up on Match.com!  You deserve to find a guy who sincerely wants a relationship (thru Match.com) (the "taxi light is on" concept).  And for me, the time I spent hanging out with his friends was totally wasted.  It was contrived and stressful, a constant reminder that the guy I really loved didn't want a relationship (thru Match.com) with me.  (He had just finalized his divorce, had a high-pressure job and was shuttling two little kids between two homes an hour away from each other.)  And honestly, they were HIS friends and my acquaintances.  I should've just focused on building my own great circle of friends. .

In the end, I made myself 10x more miserable than I would have been if I just said, OK, I'm moving on, look out world!  And while I don't regret many things in my life (I'm 39, FYI), that is one thing I do really regret.  I spent primo years (28-30) on a guy that never came around, and GAWD I wish I hadn't wasted the effort.  I only succeeded in making myself feel like I wasn't good enough.  And puhl-ease ... I am more than good enough! .

And so are you, my dear!!!.

I hope I've helped a little.  Go Keek Go!!.

Elizabeth.

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Comment #6

Thanks again Elizabeth!  I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth on this and I feel like you have helped me make the right final decision.  Maybe it is because you have been there before, or maybe it is because we are both Aquarius, but I understand what you are saying.

What would you tell the friend?.

Thanks,.

Keek.

 ..

Comment #7

Yes, we Aquarians must always trust each other!   .

I actually wouldn't tell his friend anything.  Just don't be the instigator for the next rendevous.  Gently blow him off I always pull the "geez, I am totally buried at work/friend in town/painting my living room, can I catch up with you next week?" and then never call.  Or meet up with him one time but don't make a plan from there.  OR come right out and tell him you've heard it's bad news to get too close to an ex's friends..

But I think the best advice of all would be to fill up your schedule with fun things so you really ARE too busy to get together! .

E.

 ..

Comment #8

E -.

Thanks so much!!! You have been a tremendous help.

Best,.

KC..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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