Your question was: What is the deal with Match.com?.

It does sound like you have issues with commitment.  Did you seek counseling after your divorce?  You might want to consider talking to someone to deal with this..

A good starting point for looking at this issue on your own is He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter. .

Sheri..

I dont think so. But forget about the bachelor - he's trouble...

Often, the lack of desire to connect with others, means there is something that still needs to be worked on within ourselves..

I have similar problems... men who want me, I don't want.  Men who I want, aren't emotionally available.  I have even pursued emotionally unavailable men, and then as soon as they say, 'ok, I love you,' - that's the day I end the relationship.  Psychology suggests that I am not emotionally available either.   The term for it is called Love Avoidance.  Some say, Ambivalent Love Addict.  These are terms for Googling in case you want more info..

But...but...but... yes, Santa Clause, I really want a relationship..

In my situation, I know I need to work on my 'stuff' until I've cleared enough of it to accept the love/attention of others.  I had a similar situation to your marriage, but I was just living wtih someone for a few years.  When he moved out, I thought I would be sad... but instead I danced around the house - and, like you, promised never to do it again.  10 years later, as a single woman... and I have been successful at not doing it again... but it's a little lonely..

From what I have learned, we are each responsible for our own realities.  I know that if I REALLY wanted a relationship, I could be in one.  Despite popular opinion, I don't think there is a shortage of men, at any age.  However, I just need to figure out what part of me is resisting the concept of commitment, and work on that..

My 2 cents... not sure if it helps.....

I dated that guy.  The "bachelor" guy.  He was great when I wasn't impressed with anyone I was casually dating. .

But as soon as I found a great guy that I ended up in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with for a year, bachelor guy got tossed by the wayside.  Suddenly, I liked him, but not enough for me to pick him over relationship (thru Match.com) guy..

These men that you're not that impressed with probably aren't all that impressive in the first place, so I wouldn't feel too bad about not being attracted to them.  Don't feel like there's something wrong with you just because you're picky.  Picky is not bad. .

So many men have lost the art of wooing a woman.  They see whoever offers up the path of least resistance.  Do you really want to date using Match.com one of those guys?.

I'd rather be alone with my cats.  I'm only 42, and I've started my collection already!..

You seem to have done a good job pinpointing your own problem. If a relationship (thru Match.com) is important to you, and you find yourself finding a reason to decline every guy right away, you may want to try giving these guys more of a chance. When I was younger, I'd gone after a guy and gotten burned. Then, to keep myself from getting hurt again, for the next three and a half years, I rejected every guy I met right away. My excuse was that I was looking for the one ideal man. However, with every single guy I met, I was saying right away that he couldn't possibly be what I was looking for.

The funny thing is after I started doing this, I ended up falling for a friend of mine. He was one of the guys I'd met after the incident with the other guy, and I just immediately thought he wasn't my type. When I became open-minded to the possibility that maybe it could work, then things started to change. That was all ten years ago, and now I am happily married to him. It's fine to have some standards about seeing somebody again, but you never where love will strike.

I would suggest that next time you find yourself ruling out a guy you've only just met because he's too young, too old, too strange, etc., stay open-minded and give him a chance. On the bright side, you seem to be very good at getting yourself out of the house and also at appearing approachable to people. I'm sure that will serve you very well in finding somebody...

Thanks everyone for the advice.  Although bit of a mixed bag.  But there is truth in all of it.   Picky is good.  After all, the PhD student probably was too young; the lawyers probably were too old; and the whole vegetarian athlete soap-box would have gotten old fast.  But on the other hand, I think the best advice is to give the guy who shows interest a chance.  Who knows where it goes.  I should have stayed and shared the marquerita with the PhD student; dinner with the lawyers; and, well, actually the vegetarian guy probably was too weird.  But it is tough, I can feel myself resisting even as I write this.  After all, I know the lawyers, and I have no desire to call.  So maybe first I'll pick up the book Northwestern Wandere recommended.  Baby steps..

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When you've come across a man who is all around right FOR YOU - for whom you too are all around right, you will find committing no problem at all. You are being choosy, and good for you. IMHO, 'commitment phone' is an invention.  'Afraid of committment' really means 'wants to keep his/her options open cause he/she/timing/both are wrong'. When the time and person are right, there will be no 'phobia' about anything. I wish you luck...

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I totally agree.  ALthough we always hear the anecdotes about falling for a friend, or falling for the dude with the bad combover , in most cases, if I am not attracted to a man within the first few dates, it ain't happening. .

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It only takes one, and all the ingredients have to be there for long-term success.  Of course, I know many women who will overlook lack of chemistry/passion because he is nice and available.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  It isn't worth it to me.  I would always feel cheated..

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"When you've come across a man who is all around right FOR YOU - for whom you too are all around right, you will find committing no problem at all. You are being choosy, and good for you. IMHO, 'commitment phone' is an invention.  'Afraid of committment' really means 'wants to keep his/her options open cause he/she/timing/both are wrong'. When the time and person are right, there will be no 'phobia' about anything. I wish you luck. "..